Working with Your ADHD in Adulthood
By Sam Secord, MA, LAMFT, LADC
Society is constructed in such a way that can shame neurodivergent (brains wired differently than the “norm”) people into believing they have character flaws instead of a unique brain configuration. This shame is not necessarily intentional, but it is reinforced in people with ADHD with phrases such as “just focus,” “sit still,” and “you’re so forgetful.”
I think it would be helpful to reframe neurodivergence, not as a flaw, but as a deviation from the norm. If you are neurodivergent, please know you are just wired differently. In other words, you are an oval diamond in a society built for and values the stereotypical round-cut diamond. You don’t fit in the same ring setting as a round cut– no matter how hard it is forced. You need a setting tailored to your cut so you do not keep falling out. So, let’s talk about how you can create a setting better suited for ADHD.
What is ADHD?
Awareness around ADHD has become more popular and, thus, more diagnosed in recent history (Abdelnour, Jansen, Gold, 2022). If you are like a majority of my clients, you have been flooded with social media “experts” making reels about what ADHD is and convenient self-diagnosing guides. I am very appreciative of how the rise of social media has increased awareness of many mental health diagnoses. However, with this popularity also comes misinformation, clickbait, rage-bait, and misguided truths. For accurate information about ADHD, its symptoms, and subtypes, I recommend this article, “What is ADHD” by ADDitute. ADDitude is a great free resource with medically reviewed articles and symptom checkers and tests.
“Nothing is manageable until it becomes so.”
This is something I often tell clients, and more importantly, myself, when I become overwhelmed or stressed with all I there is to do. Many disorders, including ADHD, fixate on the unmanageable rather than the situations or systems that led to feeling this way.
Through my work with clients on this topic, I always want to understand their personal systems. When I say systems I am talking about two things. First is how society, family, friends, and the person with ADHD think about and respond to ADHD symptoms. The second is the processes that ADHD individuals have created to manage or mitigate their symptoms (knowingly or not).
It is my intention in my work with clients and this blog to help foster understanding while challenging their systems so they can create an environment where people with ADHD can better operate. When systems are not challenged or acknowledged, people attempt to force their neurodivergent brain to work in ways it can’t or simply will not. The first example I share with clients is the fundamental difference in Working Memory in the ADHD brain compared to a neurotypical brain.
Working Memory and ADHD
Working Memory is the part of our memory that is responsible for holding onto information for about 10-15 seconds. One way to think of working memory is a watering pail for a garden. The goal of the pail is to hold water long enough to transport water. It is not meant to be the source of water, but a temporary holder.
Working memory is needed for keeping on task, following instructions, remembering where something was set down, and staying engaged in conversations. The ADHD brain has the watering pail, however the pail is either smaller or leaky.
This can help explain the prevalence of ADHD symptoms the DSM-V lays out, such as difficulty paying attention, making careless mistakes, difficulty finishing tasks, following instructions, impulsivity, and distractibility (American Psychiatric Association, 2013). If the watering pail has a hole in it, the garden may be aggressively watered due to quickly running to it with the pail and slashing the garden instead of gentle watering due to the fear of losing water.
Similarly, the garden may not get enough water because it is perceived as work to take excessive trips with the smaller pail. Distractibility, in this instance, would be either looking for a larger pail or trying to patch the pail, both of which neglect to water the garden altogether.
When I work to generate understanding around ADHD with my clients, I get a range of different responses. The most common responses are, “So, I’m screwed?” or “So, it’s not my fault?”
“So, I’m screwed?”
Yes, but only if you stop at the narrative that your working memory is terrible. I joke, but it’s important to remember that you are not your diagnosis; your diagnosis is intended to be a guide for you to foster understanding and compassion for yourself.
Returning to the subject of poor working memory. Through training, consistency, and revamping individual systems, I help clients create more sustainable environments. The start of this process is helping people get curious about themselves instead of being critical/resentful. When a client makes a simple and continuous mistake, such as misplacing one’s keys, how they percieve this behavior will aid in their ability to generate change in their system.
Assessing the behavior critically will likely not generate a change in the behavior because the criticism labels this mistake as a character flaw. “I should be able to remember where I set my keys.” “I’m such a forgetful idiot.”
From a curious perspective, we have the opportunity to view the behavior more objectively and incorporate more personalized solutions that can increase the likelihood of success. “If I don’t set my keys down right away, I’m less likely to remember where I’ve set them.” “If I had a dedicated spot for my keys, would I be inclined to set them there more consistently?” Starting a new system, such as, installing a key hook and practicing to place keys there before or after locking the door is a curious and gentle experiment. Allowing room for a new behavior to form that works in line with someone’s strengths.
Note that installing a key hook does not improve working memory, the adjustment works with working memory.
The same concept is true when I work with couples where one or both have an ADHD diagnosis. Here are a couple of examples that I frequently hear in couples sessions:
“I love my partner, but I constantly upset them because I forget [our anniversary, their birthday, to buy gifts, etc.]
“I have to constantly remind my partner to [do chores, finish projects, plan date nights, etc.]
At first glance, it would be fair to judge the forgetful partner and their inability to remember the tasks and conversations that have come up countless times before. The assumption is that the person with ADHD simply does not care enough to remember.
Instead, let’s get curious about what could be going on. What is the system the couple has in place? Do they rely heavily on each other’s working memory to meet their needs? If so, then we can assume that distractibility is stronger than the ADHD partner’s memory, so they have created a system that relies on a limitation and affects getting their needs met.
So what is the solution?
First, it’s important to acknowledge that it is okay that their brain cannot do something they wish it could. Two, they need to pause and create a better system to get their needs met.
One example of this is having a whiteboard where tasks that need to be done are in the open and not hidden. Another example is setting up an electronic calendar that provides notifications for significant events.
The most common thing that I see preventing people from progressing is the belief that their brain “should” be able to do something. Partners do not care if their partner needs to be reminded, they just do not want to be the one who does the reminding again. We need to help people to work with their ADHD, not against it.
“So, it’s not my fault?”
Yes and no. It’s not your fault that your brain is wired a certain way. However, it is your responsibility to understand how your brain works and find a system that works with your ADHD.
It is also not your fault if you have been shamed or made to feel less than because of your ADHD symptoms. In the next article, I will discuss more strategies for managing ADHD better. In therapy, I help clients break down and reframe negative narratives they believe about themselves into compassionate curiosity and understanding. In life coaching, I help clients problem-solve changes they can start to implement. There are other resources for ADHD, such as ADDitude and Chadd, which are websites with education for family and friends, self-assessments for ADHD, and treatment recommendations.
In closing, remember that sustainable change only comes from understanding and working with ADHD. Each diamond is beautiful, but is only visible if the setting is correct for the cut. Someone with ADHD is less likely to fit into an average neurotypical system, and that is okay. It’s time to stop forcing ADHD to do something it cannot, and to work with it by rebuild a better suited setting.
If you’d like to learn more about your ADHD symptoms and how you can make practical adjustments and systems to help generate more ease in your life, consider partnering with me through Life Coaching.
